ralph.

i feel so terrible for those kids. losing a parent so young, would be so awful, i can't even imagine. and it breaks my heart when i realize that a lot of kids go through that. it actually makes me weep. i have never in my life been super close to someone that died. i've had one friend die, but i only knew him for a short period of time before. great-grandparents and great uncles and aunts but no one i truly loved/was really close to. i have all of my grandparents +2 (one set are divorced and remarried), all my aunts, uncles, cousins, parents, siblings, close friends. i can't even imagine. and it's almost like i don't know what to expect and i'm scared, i deal with death terribly, i cry about it even though i wasn't close with the person when they were alive. i get ridiculously sad when celebrities die, like heath, balled my eyes out that night just thinking about it.

i feel like i have this sick obsession with being sad. i enjoy it or something. i'm a drama queen. disgusting. my mom always called me one when i was little but it was cute then, now i'm annoyed with myself! i thrive on being upset. this is literally making me ill.
i think i'm heading back to a bad place where i don't like myself. i need some help.